GRIEVING AND "MOURNING" TIME

We hear people say it all the time. “Grief is personal.” The problem is that saying that is one thing and how we expect people to act is something entirely different – especially widows.

As I muddle through this new territory I continuously encounter the remnants of a time in our society – not really so long ago – when women were considered property and if they were married, they could not own property in their own name, have their own bank account, or operate independent of their husbands. Those that were not married were just considered “sad” and their marital status was pitied. After all, what woman could really take care of herself? Men and many women were convinced that women were the “weaker” sex and needed a man to look after her to make it through this life.

It always puzzled me how that attitude could prevail if anyone actually looked at the lives of women and compared what they did to what the men they were married to actually took care of. For the most part, men earned the income. That may have taken hard work so I am not discounting that but the women cooked, cleaned, managed the household, birthed and raised the children and managed his day to day needs also. This weaker sex also survives him most of the time and, to me, that is no great surprise.

However, in this world I am discovering there are a good many remnants of that time in our history when women’s role and place was defined by the man she was attached to by marriage or family connection. Grieving and mourning fit in that category. Although most people would agree that grief is personal, they also have an opinion about how long a woman should be in “mourning” and how that should look.

There is an acceptable schedule and there are ways you are “supposed” to act during that time. There are also consequences if you don’t conform. If you go back to work too soon, people question whether you are really dealing with the loss, whether you had to come back to work because he left you in financial trouble or whether you really cared that much about your husband after all. Sometimes they explain this away to each other (or to you) by asking questions about how much paid time off the company allowed or other inappropriate questions about your financial well-being (a subject for a later blog post). At other times they talk to each other and speculate about why you would be coming back to work so soon and what that must mean about you, your relationship, and how you are dealing with the loss. They also often steer clear of you because they think they are supposed to give you room – or they just don’t think they know the right thing to say. It is all about them – and they think it is about the widow.

You have to be careful not to have fun too soon either.  A laughing widow is a problem for a lot of people. Never mind that “laughter is the best medicine” also applies to dealing with this gut wrenching loss, it is just not appropriate and others will judge you for not reacting in the right way. I have even heard people use the word “unseemly” to describe a widow that is out in public enjoying life within weeks or even days of the funeral. Not so, by the way, with a widower.

Even without laughter there is the problem of not being sad enough or even drab enough. That old phrase about “sack cloth and ashes” is still very much a part of our culture. It seems to be okay not to wear black all the time but don’t be going overboard with bright colors and prints. That’s just too much for others to deal with. You are not mourning in the proper way for the proper amount of time.

I cannot count the number of times I had to deal with judgmental comments from others about the fact that I was actively engaged in reinventing my life right after Ned died.  For some reason everyone I encountered expected me to explain myself – and inside this new cultural phenomenon “widow” I felt compelled to do just that. Looking back I can say both views are bizarre. What difference does it make what anyone does with their time and energy? Who are we to say that someone should be a particular way about dealing with a great loss? Why do I feel compelled to make you understand or make sure you feel better about what I am doing?

Grieving is personal! Mourning is personal too and there is no length of time that automatically attaches to that process. There is also no particular way it looks and no particular way it should go. As I said in an earlier blog, Ned was woven throughout the fabric of my life and yet we each were able to remain independent. His death ripped that fabric and no matter how great a job I do of rebuilding life without him, it will always be “life without him” since that day in 2011. How I do that is definitely up to me and you really have nothing to say about it.

Be sad for her that her life has been interrupted and refashioned in this way. Be encouraging her to rebuild and reinvent life in a new paradigm. Be grateful that she is moving forward. Be happy for her that she can reengage in life and begin to discover joy in the face of the change it is in life to lose a spouse.

Do not be the one that imposes your ideas, opinions, or points of view on her grieving and mourning. Do not let your judgements about how she is grieving or mourning stop you from reaching out in friendship or keep you from caring and supporting her.

Let it go! She will know if you don’t and your judgments and opinions will add to her grief! Trust her (and me) to know what I need and to do what is right for her.