REINVENTING EVERYTHING

Somehow I was not prepared for the fact that I would be called upon to reinvent virtually everything in my life. Of course there were some constants but frankly, as it turns out, those things were few and far between. In fact, the only things that remained constant were those things directly connected to my business. This process was sometimes challenging, sometimes fun, and always surprising.

Looking back, it seems strange to me that I did not see this coming. After all I was very clear that our lives were inextricably intertwined. Perhaps the surprise was more about the reality that our life before his death was no longer “the reality.”

As relates to these issues and situations, widows, widowers, and divorcing couples face similar experiences. When a relationship ends we suddenly are confronted with how much our lives are bound together with the person we are married to and what it takes to disassemble that system or untangle those wires. The unique aspect of this particular piece of the process for the widow is how the rest of the world responds to the changes differently when the person doing the reinventing is a widow as compared with a widower or a divorced person.

Let’s begin with an explanation of what is meant by “reinventing everything.” It means that virtually nothing remains the same. Everything from how you deal with the closet space or the extra pillow on the bed to life insurance beneficiaries, car maintenance, and paying bills has to be reinvented. Even if you and your husband had divided household responsibilities over the life of your marriage, that now has to be reinvented because he is no longer doing his part of the job.

Now, I know that seems logical and to be expected but I discovered after his death that there was much more to reinvent than I could have imagined. For example, there is the bed to deal with. What do you do with his pillow when you are allergic to it and only tolerated it in the bed because it was his? Now he is gone, what do you do with the pillow and where do you sleep? Your part of the bed was clearly defined as long he as was sharing it but now... What are you supposed to do with all that extra space - and how in the world do you keep warm in winter when your "human heater" of a husband is no longer there to snuggle with? Everything is a new challenge. 

For the widower or the divorced person these new practices are hailed by others as evidence they are putting the past behind them and moving on. For me, as for many widows, the “others” in our life can’t wait to point out that you are making lots of changes and you might have regrets. They often even talk to each other about how quickly “she” seems to be removing his presence from her life – even though nothing could be further from the truth. For her he is always there in her thoughts and memories. She is just doing her best to concentrate on the bright and beautiful memories.  

Everything is different! Grocery shopping for one is a new challenge. I soon realized that without Ned's list of cookies and other processed food and treats, I could shop the perimeter of the store every two or three weeks. Most of what was on the inside aisles was only on Ned's list. Shopping trips became less frequent and much quicker.  That was one reinvention that was easy and fun but being able to choose based on your own preferences all the time is a bit disconcerting at first. Reinventing can be fun but reinventing everything can occur as monumental at times – even the simple things.

There are other things that must be reinvented that are not always simple. New information forms need to be filled out including new emergency contact information. Insurance beneficiaries need to be changed along with car titles, bank account names, etc.. For many of the changes such as removing or changing bank account names a legal document is required. Producing a Death Certificate or a Divorce Decree is necessary in many situations. Being prepared means asking in advance! Not asking can cause problems way down the road – another thing I am learning 6+ years later.

Among other things, all this reinventing meant I was now making decisions that were previously in his basket of responsibilities. As a competent, capable, educated woman I had no problem making decisions and making the changes I needed to make. After all it was now all my responsibility and my life as a single person. What created a problem (and annoyance) for me was the questioning of my decisions by others?

“Are you sure that’s the right thing for you to do?”

“Is that what Ned would want?”

“That’s not the way it’s been done before. Is there some reason you think you need to do it differently?” 

As someone who practiced law and built a new approach to child sexual abuse prevention and established and ran more than one company, it was baffling to me that others would question these decisions just because Ned used to make them.  It was even more unsettling to me to find out that others (including my wonderful and much loved children) had conversations with each other about my decision making, the changes I was making, and the way I was going about reinventing some things.  Even when I did some redecorating in the house there were people upset with me about the way I went about it.

As a widow I had to deal with comments like “You can tell how important family was to Ned because of the way he maintained his garage. It would be a shame to change that.” and questions being asked of others such as “Why is she doing that?”  or “I wonder what Ned would think of how she is doing that.”

Can you imagine anyone challenging the way a widower cooks a meal after his wife’s death or what he does about the laundry or her sewing room? Most likely he would be acknowledged for dealing with the issue in a positive way. For me and for other widows that is rarely how it goes – at least at first. Once people see she is capable of really creating and living her life single, some of that judgment disappears but the reinventing keeps going until each and every aspect of life is recreated in light of her new circumstances.