Widowoman - A Journey Into Widowhood

IT’S UNIMAGINABLE You know, one of the most authentic things that has been said to me over the last seven years is “I can’t imagine what it must be like.” It’s true. Unless you have been down this path, you can’t imagine. I know because I tried to imagine what it would be like. Ned was the last of a long line of Doty men who died at age 56 so he lived life as if that would be the end for him too. He always told me that he would not be around long and encouraged me to create a life that could go on after he was gone. So, from time to time when he was gone on a trip out of town for a few days I tried to imagine what it would be like to live life without him. No matter what I thought it would be like, this is not that. Of course there are things I could imagine but most I could not. Here I am seven years later still discovering things that he handled with grace and ease that I am bumbling through. It is in these moments that I sometimes tell him how annoying it is that he left w

Some of us “widowomen” have talked recently about this cultural conversation about our husband’s still being with us. There is no doubt for any of us that the spiritual or soulful connection to our husbands is still there. Heck, we still talk to him a lot. What we are clear about is that this continuing connection we are experiencing is not the same as what others seem to be talking about when they say things like “He is still by your side.” Actually, no, he is not still here. He is gone. He did not “transition” or “pass” or “go on ahead.” He died and he is not coming back. I am never going to feel his arms around me again in this life. He is not going to carry on a conversation with me or help with the driving to Kansas to see the grandkids. He is not going to mow the lawn or change the lightbulbs or make jokes that make me laugh so hard I cry. He is not going to balance the checkbook, or go with me to the theater, or kneel beside me in prayer at church. He is not here!

Last week I wrote about women who are “invisible” much of the time and how that experience is for us. There are moments of miracles in our lives, however, and I want to share one that happened to me on Saturday night. I was the Music Minister for all the services at my church this weekend and after the service on Saturday night as I was headed home I realized there was nothing to eat at the house.   On the way home I drove past several restaurants but nothing appealed to me until I saw Zio’s. I parked and went inside where I was told there was at least a 20 minute wait so I found a place to sit and made myself comfortable. There was another family in the area where I was sitting and they appeared to be very welcoming. After a few minutes I said “Hello” and   I found out that they were celebrating the 8 year old’s birthday. A few minutes later the mom asked me if I was there alone. When I said that I was, she asked if I wanted to join them for dinner. I was thrilled and