LABELING PEOPLE AND THE BOX

One of the experiences that is surprising, and in my experience never gets easier, is filling out paperwork that includes personal information after the death of a husband. Checking the box “Married” just seemed the normal thing to do for forty-five years. I was married and I was proud of the love and life we shared and I wore beautiful diamond rings to broadcast that to everyone I met. It did not seem odd in most cases to check that box.

Now, one of the things I did not do was use the title “Mrs.” most of the time so that box on most forms was something I just left empty or marked "Ms." Although I am sure that was confusing to some and maybe they changed it in house to satisfy their own needs, it always seemed to me that using Mrs. as part of my name was more about him than me and as I said in an earlier article he was woven into the fabric of my life but it was also important to both of us to maintain independence. It was never a big deal for us. It is just the way we chose to introduce ourselves in public forums – Ned and Sharon Doty or Sharon and Ned.

When he died, it seemed as if I lost that option of how to identify myself and my marital status. There on every form I encounter is that dreaded box. I know now that those options were always there but I never really saw them before. There is “single”, “married”, “widowed” and “divorced.”

Now, just think about that for a moment. Who is “widowed”? A man is referred to as a “widower” if that moniker is used at all and in my 73 years including serving on Boards and staffs of hospice organizations I never heard a reference to a man being widowed. A woman is “widowed” and only a woman is thrust into that cultural paradigm of “widowhood.”

Now before you protest or think I am not sensitive to the issues men confront when their spouse dies, I know that men who lose their wives to death have to deal with lots of new issues. I also know that some of the things I have experienced carry over to them. However, the men I know who are dealing with the death of their wife quickly discover that the way society relates to me as a widow is a whole different world than the one they are experiencing. They are free to resume life and find new adventures for the most part. There are some who expect them to respond in a particular way – and mostly for all of us that is people who have never been through what we are dealing with. The difference is that they are not really confined to “widowhood” as a cultural phenomenon in our society the way that women experience it over the long haul.  

The check mark “widowed” is a label that never goes away and provokes an entirely new relationship with the organization or entity that expects you to answer the question. I have been told by some women who have been alone for a long time due to extended illness or even long term hospitalization of husbands that were no longer connected to reality that being about to mark the box “widowed” for the first time was somehow settling for them. They had for years been “married” but not really anymore and at least that box settled the matter of their status. The problem for me and for many of us is why is the box there, what is it intended to communicate that is of any real value or necessity, and what it really creates in the life of the person who has to fill in the information. 

After more than 6 years, I am very clear what it provokes in me and in others and I continue to be baffled by the need for the question at all. If a prospective landlord wants to know how many people will be living in the apartment and how they might be related, ask that question. If a doctor wants to know who is responsible for the bill – ask that question. If a banker has a special program for a certain population, just ask if the applicant qualifies.  If there is a valid reason for knowing the marital status of anyone, just ask the question you need to have answered to provide the service. The fact is that as of March 23, 2011, I am not married and that’s easy to say and does not create any further need for conversation about it.

No matter what people think they are asking when they create the question, what happens as a result of having to answer it is something quite different. The question  reintroduces the subject of the loss again and again and reminds us and everyone that looks at the information that we are one of “those women.”

What does that question provoke that is so challenging for a widow? One of the first thing it provokes is questions about the death of your husband and the ever present comment “I am so sorry for your loss.” Then there is a wall of sympathy that comes down and with it all sorts of assumptions from sudden concerns about whether you can take care of yourself when you don’t feel well to worrying about whether you can get home safely after an event at night.

This last one is of particular interest to me as I continue to experience it over and over again. For years I have been driving to Dallas to lead seminars and driving home in the middle of the night – generally alone. No one ever gave that drive a second thought when my husband was alive – not even after he had a massive stroke and was virtually confined to the house. However, now that I am a “widow” everyone is concerned that I drive by myself. How did that happen? How did my driving to Dallas as I had been doing for 10 years become a concern because Ned died? He slept through my trips home for the most part. If he woke up during the night he would often call to see where I was before he went back to sleep but he was not worried about me driving home alone. These days people who don’t really even know me well worry that I can’t get home safely and all because I am a widow.

That box is the beginning of that label being permanently attached to my life and my living and the world expects me to do it for them, presumably so they will know how to deal with me. Why do I have to label myself a “widow”? Why am I expected to take on that mantel and wear it like sack cloth and ashes? Every time I see the box I am faced with an integrity issue I never saw coming. In reality, on that day in March over 6 years ago I was no longer married but for the world I am not “single”, I am “widowed” and that means something to them and it means something for me. Although I didn’t understand that before Ned’s death, it is something I confront daily in this new world of widow that I am thrust into because he died before me.

Through this blog I hope to be able to raise issues that allow us as a society to deal with some of these things in a way that is empathetic, caring, and respectful. In this case, it is easy. Just ask what you want to know and leave off the labels. Whether it is single, married, widowed, or divorced, what difference does it make in the care or customer service that is being provided?

As the recent Disney hit says “Let it go! Let it go!”