EVERYONE HAS GOT AN OPINION


If my brothers read this they will be able to fill in the blank in this statement without even thinking: “Opinions are like _________, everybody’s got one.” It was one of my Dad’s favorite sayings to remind us that opinions are a dime a dozen. For the most part they are worth listening to but that does not mean that you have to adopt them as your own.

As a widow I have discovered that there is a whole world of opinion out there about how I should be, how I should act, what I should need, and how I should now live my life. Almost none of it is accurate for me but that does not stop people from expressing their opinions and expecting me to agree with them.

For the most part I am okay with that. I know that, as my Dad said there is no shortage of opinions in the world and everyone thinks theirs is the right one and the one that others should adopt as their own. However, I will say that there is one aspect of this world of widowhood and the swirl of opinion that surrounds us that is a bit different.

Before I was a widow, if someone had an opinion about what I was doing or how I was being they usually kept it to themselves. If they did not like me for some reason (I can’t imagine what that would be but it does occasionally happen) they just stopped being around me. If they thought I was missing something in my business, they would tell me what they saw as missing but leave it to me and my good judgment to deal with their issue. If they did not like the way I was doing something they usually just did it themselves.

I know this because I was (am) the same way. I realize my opinions are mine and if people ask I will share them but I don’t just barge in and give someone my opinion about how they are living their life. In addition, I work really hard to keep the opinions to myself. Gossiping about others is just destructive and serves no good purpose. Several years ago I also took on the practice of not listing to complaints and opinions about anything that I could not directly do something about. That was one of the best practices I ever adopted.

Now, however, I am discovering that as a widow I am not afforded the same courtesy as others with regard to dealing with other people’s opinions. Other people seem to think they know what I am dealing with – and how I should deal with it – and that they have the right to share that with me at any time and in any situation.  Most of the people with these strong opinions are not widows and have never experienced the loss of a spouse. They just seem to know how I should now deal with everything and they don’t hesitate to tell me.

I learned a long time ago that other people’s opinions are just that – other people’s opinions. They are entitled to their opinion as I am to mine. So, for me, I have come to view the continuous unsolicited advice and opinions that have come my way since Ned died as a by-product of widowhood. It’s what the world thinks I need so it gives it whether I want it or not.  As with a great many things, some by-products prove to be useful and some are just trash. The same is true of other people’s opinions about you and your life.

From time to time it is clear that the opinion being offered is from a genuine concern or even because you have expressed frustration or concern about something. In those cases the opinions are less about widowhood and more about friendship or compassion. That’s a different experience. What’s unique about this experience is the unsolicited opinions I get from people who hardly know me and know nothing about my life – just because I am a widow.

One thing this situation has taught me is to keep my opinions to myself unless I am asked. Then, if I am asked, I make sure what I say is stated clearly as my "opinion." Beginning the sentence with "In my opinion" makes it clear that's what is being offered. 
I am also reminded that there is value in sharing an experience rather than an opinion. For example, if I have encountered a similar issue I might share with the person how I dealt with it and how my action or inaction worked or did not work. The point is that I am making sure that I am not telling anyone else how they should be doing it.

When others tell me how I should do something I am left with the experience that they do not think I am capable or competent to handle the situation. I don’t want to ever leave anyone with that experience so the solution for me is to talk about my experience and let the other person hear about the way it was for me as a resource for them to deal with the situation.
It is impossible to stop having opinions. However, it is entirely possible to stop spouting them as if you have the answer for other people. More listening, more sharing, and less opining will create a more loving, caring, supportive, and compassionate environment for all of us.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

THE ONSET OF WIDOWHOOD

On March 23rd, 2011, my husband of almost 45 years died suddenly in the early morning hours when a pulmonary embolism took his life in an instant. In one moment I went from "until death do us part" to being parted from the man I had lived with and loved for two-thirds of my life for the rest of my life. What I did not know at that time was that I had also just entered an alternate universe - one that I had no idea was there and no idea how to navigate. The next few days were filled with family, arrangements, tears, laughter, decisions about things like embalming and how many police escorts and limos were needed. The story of those days brings tears, smiles, pain, and comfort all at once. In some ways the busyness of the time between Ned's death and the funeral postponed the realization of just how much my life had changed. And then, on Saturday afternoon, just three days after Ned's sudden death, everyone went home and I found myself in a new reality.  For the fir...
Read more

REINVENTING EVERYTHING

Somehow I was not prepared for the fact that I would be called upon to reinvent virtually everything in my life. Of course there were some constants but frankly, as it turns out, those things were few and far between. In fact, the only things that remained constant were those things directly connected to my business. This process was sometimes challenging, sometimes fun, and always surprising. Looking back, it seems strange to me that I did not see this coming. After all I was very clear that our lives were inextricably intertwined. Perhaps the surprise was more about the reality that our life before his death was no longer “the reality.” As relates to these issues and situations, widows, widowers, and divorcing couples face similar experiences. When a relationship ends we suddenly are confronted with how much our lives are bound together with the person we are married to and what it takes to disassemble that system or untangle those wires. The unique aspect of this particular ...
Read more

BEING FOR ONE ANOTHER

Today I had a call with another widow who is confronting what society and the culture tell her she should be doing. She is dealing with the challenge that most of us face over and over and over again as we deal with how others relate to us and what they expect of us.  There is no "bouncing back" here. Bouncing back is for recovering from an automobile accident or a battle with a scary disease that took us out temporarily. It is for those times when we lost a job, or a promotion, or perhaps an election. It is for those times when we put our heart and soul into a project or an event and the weather rained it out, or nobody came, or something else undermined the success we worked hard to achieve.  Bouncing back has nothing to do with surviving and thriving after the death of a spouse. It has nothing to do with getting 'back to normal" when widowhood has taken from you the one person that was woven through the fabric of your life. There is no "getting back to no...
Read more