EVERYONE HAS GOT AN OPINION


If my brothers read this they will be able to fill in the blank in this statement without even thinking: “Opinions are like _________, everybody’s got one.” It was one of my Dad’s favorite sayings to remind us that opinions are a dime a dozen. For the most part they are worth listening to but that does not mean that you have to adopt them as your own.

As a widow I have discovered that there is a whole world of opinion out there about how I should be, how I should act, what I should need, and how I should now live my life. Almost none of it is accurate for me but that does not stop people from expressing their opinions and expecting me to agree with them.

For the most part I am okay with that. I know that, as my Dad said there is no shortage of opinions in the world and everyone thinks theirs is the right one and the one that others should adopt as their own. However, I will say that there is one aspect of this world of widowhood and the swirl of opinion that surrounds us that is a bit different.

Before I was a widow, if someone had an opinion about what I was doing or how I was being they usually kept it to themselves. If they did not like me for some reason (I can’t imagine what that would be but it does occasionally happen) they just stopped being around me. If they thought I was missing something in my business, they would tell me what they saw as missing but leave it to me and my good judgment to deal with their issue. If they did not like the way I was doing something they usually just did it themselves.

I know this because I was (am) the same way. I realize my opinions are mine and if people ask I will share them but I don’t just barge in and give someone my opinion about how they are living their life. In addition, I work really hard to keep the opinions to myself. Gossiping about others is just destructive and serves no good purpose. Several years ago I also took on the practice of not listing to complaints and opinions about anything that I could not directly do something about. That was one of the best practices I ever adopted.

Now, however, I am discovering that as a widow I am not afforded the same courtesy as others with regard to dealing with other people’s opinions. Other people seem to think they know what I am dealing with – and how I should deal with it – and that they have the right to share that with me at any time and in any situation.  Most of the people with these strong opinions are not widows and have never experienced the loss of a spouse. They just seem to know how I should now deal with everything and they don’t hesitate to tell me.

I learned a long time ago that other people’s opinions are just that – other people’s opinions. They are entitled to their opinion as I am to mine. So, for me, I have come to view the continuous unsolicited advice and opinions that have come my way since Ned died as a by-product of widowhood. It’s what the world thinks I need so it gives it whether I want it or not.  As with a great many things, some by-products prove to be useful and some are just trash. The same is true of other people’s opinions about you and your life.

From time to time it is clear that the opinion being offered is from a genuine concern or even because you have expressed frustration or concern about something. In those cases the opinions are less about widowhood and more about friendship or compassion. That’s a different experience. What’s unique about this experience is the unsolicited opinions I get from people who hardly know me and know nothing about my life – just because I am a widow.

One thing this situation has taught me is to keep my opinions to myself unless I am asked. Then, if I am asked, I make sure what I say is stated clearly as my "opinion." Beginning the sentence with "In my opinion" makes it clear that's what is being offered. 
I am also reminded that there is value in sharing an experience rather than an opinion. For example, if I have encountered a similar issue I might share with the person how I dealt with it and how my action or inaction worked or did not work. The point is that I am making sure that I am not telling anyone else how they should be doing it.

When others tell me how I should do something I am left with the experience that they do not think I am capable or competent to handle the situation. I don’t want to ever leave anyone with that experience so the solution for me is to talk about my experience and let the other person hear about the way it was for me as a resource for them to deal with the situation.
It is impossible to stop having opinions. However, it is entirely possible to stop spouting them as if you have the answer for other people. More listening, more sharing, and less opining will create a more loving, caring, supportive, and compassionate environment for all of us.

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