MY NEW/OLD LIFE


There are many new things I am seeing about this altered life of mine – life as a “widowoman.”  For one thing, I am discovering that there are some similarities and some real differences between women who are single by choice and women who lived as part of a married couple and are now single by death.

All these women are single for sure so there are definitely some things that are the same. For example, single women eat alone a great deal no matter why they are single – and it is no more “fun” if you are single by choice than if you are widowed. Eating alone as a single woman is much the same regardless of your circumstances. It is also great to know that finding each other and sharing that meal is a gift to everyone involved. 

In my new/old home, there are also women all around who fit both descriptions and they are teaching me some new things about connecting with others as a single woman when that’s what I need and want. Connecting with others is not a problem for me. I make friends easily and love being with people. However, I have noticed that I am not great at inserting myself in situations that are dominated by couples and if I go alone, I often keep myself separate unless there is someone else I know there who is single.

The people I am engaging with in my New/Old life are opening my eyes to a new way of being and acting in the world. I have discovered that I am not very good at connecting in a world of couples in my new circumstance. I have talked before about my friend Dolores sharing with me years ago that when her husband died so did their social life with their couple friends. She was no longer part of a couple and the other “couples” did not seem to know how to include her without him. When you put that together with her dilemma of not knowing how to reinvent those couple relationships without him, her world got smaller – and do did mine. She had no trouble showing up at events or fund raisers or meetings but casual social gatherings went by the wayside. That has been my experience since Ned died. 

 All of this is new territory to explore so the journey continues!



From my single by choice female friends I am learning something about what it takes to reinvent that social part of my life in a way that has me able to connect with couple friends from time to time without leaving anyone uncomfortable. It starts with me being comfortable being willing to insert myself into situations that I would normally avoid –or at least wait to be invited to join. Even when I was married I waited to be invited to join a group or an occasion. Speaking up and creating my own invitation is new territory and somewhat awkward for me.



I guess it is a little like teaching an old dog new tricks to expect someone at age 74 to learn new rules of social interaction but it is worth the effort. The couples and other single people I am reconnecting with are bringing new joy and fun to my life and reenergizing areas of life that have been long left untended and I am learning to ask for what I want and to not only invite myself to participate but to invite others to join me.



On Sunday I am having friends and family for dinner. They are all couples and I am looking forward to time with them and being the lynchpin that brings them together to reestablish an old friendship. This time it is me that’s creating the space that brings people together and my single by choice friends are teaching me how to do that by their example. I can’t thank them enough for taking me by the hand as I navigate new paths on this road.



A wonderful byproduct of this new aspect of the journey is that I have discovered over  the last few months is that when my life is full and rich with interesting people and interesting things, the time I spend alone is also richer and more fulfilling. It’s a win/win situation and I am grateful to all the new “teachers” I am encountering.

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