THE BODY'S RESPONSE

A few days after the funeral I started to notice some things happening in my body that were a bit frightening. I knew there would be an emotional impact of losing him and that would last  a long time but this was different. This did not have anything to do with losing Ned or my grief. This was physical.

The first thing I noticed was in the shower. When I closed my eyes to shampoo my hair I lost my balance and fell against the wall. What was that about? I had no problems with my balance since I got my knees replaced a couple of years earlier. At first I thought it was just a fluke. You know, a one time occurrence probably brought on by not drinking enough water or eating enough. After all, eating was not high on my priorities that week.

The thing is that the situation did not improve. Every time I took a shower or closed my eyes for any reason, I started to lose my balance. It was so prevalent that I started to take extra care to keep from falling in the same way I had before knee surgery. 

Then came the realization that I could no longer concentrate. As someone who has always prided herself on being able to keep several balls in the air at the same time and get the jobs done as expected, now I was not able to concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes without taking a break to get refocused and certainly no more than one thing at a time. It was very disconcerting, even scary. If I was working on an article for example, after 10 minutes I would lose my train of thought and I had to get up and walk around and do something mundane to allow my brain to refocus and then I could put in 10 more minutes on the article. If the phone rang and someone asked me a question I would have to stop working, turn my attention to the question and get present to what was being asked before I could respond. Most of the time this was a monumental task. 

I was afraid I was losing my mind and that something was really wrong with my body. I was  connecting all these things together in my mind and the options I came up with were pretty scary. In a conversation with my best friend Leslie, I shared how worried I was that I would never be able to concentrate again for any length of time. It was as if I was drifting in and out of life. Sometimes I was there and fully participating and then, very shortly and with no warning, I would be drifting away and unable to concentrate on anything. Then without warning I was unbalanced and catching myself to keep from falling.

The fear of what might be happening to me and the realization that my children had just lost their father and could not lose me too, sent me to see my doctor. I remember being in the room waiting and thinking of all the possible things he could say. As it turns out, he said nothing that I excepted him to say. 

This doctor has been taking care of me for over 20 years. He knows a lot about me, my family, and my medical history. When he came in the room I started telling him about all the physical experiences I was having with my balance and my concentration. I told him that my kids had just lost their father and they could not lose me too so we had to find out what was happening to me. When I stopped long enough to take a breath, he said "Sharon, your husband just died." I said "I know that but you don't understand. Now something is terribly wrong with me." He said, again "Sharon, your husband just died." I could not figure out why he was saying that so, once again I said "I know, but there is something wrong with me now and I have to find out what it is." Once again he responded very slowly with "Sharon, your husband just died." 

The third time I finally heard what he was saying and I asked if he was telling me that the things I was experiencing were connected to Ned's death. His response was to explain to me how the body deals with major trauma or stressors. He said that chemicals were released in my body that don't quickly dissipate and it requires a lot of the body's resources to deal with them. He said that what I was experiencing was normal and that for the time being all there was to do was get plenty of rest and slow down. He suggested I take some of the responsibilities I had off my plate for a while and turn them over to someone else. He recommended that I read a good book, take daily walks, take a nap and generally take it easy for a while. It seems my body was now reacting to Ned's death in a completely unexpected way. 

I left the office mystified by how the body got me through the first days after his death and how it was now dealing with all that trauma and, grateful that was all it was. Now, I also had some mild symptoms of depression, which the doctor also said was normal but we agreed that, unless they worsened, I would do what I knew to do to get through that temporary situation. 

When I got home I sent an email to the kids. I told them about my recent experiences, the fears I had about what was happening to me and everything the doctor said about it. They all contacted me and thanked me for letting them know. It seems they were dealing with something similar and were also fearful that it was something more they would have to deal with. Turns out we were all able to breathe a sigh of relief that day. 

I know that many others experienced depression that required medication to get through. I was lucky and was able to turn that around. There have been other periods of time when it sets in again but now I can see it coming and sometimes I know when to look out for it - like during the week between Christmas and New Years. When I know what to expect, I can take action quickly to turn the tide.

Our body is an amazing thing. It takes over and provides what we need to deal with the major traumas that life hands us. We just don't always know that it also takes time to recover physically from those traumas. After all my body was not hurt by Ned's death - or at least that is what I thought. Turns out I was really wrong about that.