THOSE PESKY QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK
Many aspects of life as a widow have been and are challenging, surprising, and somewhat disconcerting. However, one of the most startling aspects of being in this new cultural phenomenon is dealing with the questions that people feel comfortable and that they have complete permission to ask that they would NEVER consider appropriate if I were not a widow. In fact they would NEVER even ask the same questions of a widower.
Somehow when people know for find out you are a widow they think they have license to pry into your personal life and your personal business about matters that do not concern them at all. Their questions are sometimes impertinent and almost always based on some misplaced, yet unexplained, professed concern for you and your well being. These questions, which are about personally sensitive matters, are asked as if the questioner has a right to ask and you have a responsibility to answer. They somehow think that asking you questions like this convey their genuine interest in you and your life and they are not only convinced that you should hear the question as coming from that concern but they genuinely believe that the question is appropriate.
The truth is that they are completely mystified and sometimes offended if you are caught off guard by the question and they can't understand if you have a negative reaction or just don't seem to understand that they are only asking because they care. One of the things that has become exceedingly clear to me is that, as with many aspects of this cultural phenomenon, this piece is about the person doing the asking. There is no real thought given to the widow and how the question might occur to her - or whether this is a question that should even be asked.
One of the most starling examples for me was something that occurred in a meeting with a group of people I have worked with for several years. One of the things I love about my work with this group is that there is NO gender bias in the roles people are assigned or accountable for doing. The jobs, tasks, and accountabilities are assigned based on gifts, talents, strengths, weaknesses, and other criteria that have nothing to do with gender, race, creed or other similar factors. For over 17 years I have participated in some like of leadership role in this enterprise and this lack of bias based on anything other than abilities, capabilities, and results is one reason I continue to participate.
In this meeting we were planning a schedule for a series of events during a three month period and I was asked if I could take on a project that would require me to drive round-trip over 500 miles each week for ten weeks. (10 hours drive round trip) I responded that I could not make that commitment due to my work schedule. One of the men in the room. a man I had worked with for about 5 years and from whom I had never witnessed or experienced any discriminatory attitude or comment turned and asked the following: "Did Ned leave you financially okay? Do you even still have to work?"
Now I know that there are lots of way to answer that questions and lots of ways to analyze why he asked. But for me the biggest problem was that he asked it at all. The question was inappropriate, disconcerting, and annoying and caught me completely off guard. In the moment I had no idea what to do or say so I just changed the subject and pretended not to hear him. After the meeting I realized that the question and the way I responded left me with two things, I felt diminished in his asking and there was now distance between this colleague that I respected and me that would affect our working relationship.
It was unacceptable for me to leave the situation in that condition, so I called him to get it complete. You see, for me to feel better about me and to regain my trust and respect for him, there was only one thing to do and that was to invite him to consider why he thought it was okay to ask me that. On the call I shared with him how I was left in the conversation. I told him that the question was demeaning and diminishing to both of us. Then I asked him two questions. My first question was "If it were me that died and Ned was the one you were talking too would you have asked him that questions?" His answer was "No." and in that moment he saw something about himself that he never saw before. He saw a hidden gender bias and a world of assumptions that he was operating from without any thought at all and it was surprising to him.
The second question was "Why did you ask me?" He had to look beyond his first response. He wanted to believe it was simply a concern for my well-being because he cared about whether I was taken care of. However, when he looked further he could not avoid seeing that his assumption was gender based. It is odd because I am the one with all the degrees who owns a consulting company and has written 4 books. Ned was a great architect but he retired at about 55 and played with trains and did yard work for the next 13 years. The man who asked the question knew all this information but he still had the question and he still thought it was not only okay to ask but that it was appropriate. He also saw that he had a concern for leaving his wife financially settled if something happened to him. She was a stay at home mother raising their special needs child. When he looked he could see that the question had nothing to do with me at all and that, but for the previously hidden bias, he would never ask someone a question like that without a good, valid reason.
Questions like this are asked all the time. They may not be as pointed or blatantly personal as this one was but they are still inappropriate and given by a historical cultural conversation that is grounded in our history of relating to women and property of men to be taken care of by the male of the species. If these questions are still there in a group such as the one I described above, imagine how many times something just as inappropriate and impertinent gets asked in over environments. Questions like those that inquire into things like whether you will be participating in activities you love after your husband dies, or whether you are still going to do something the two of you always did together. No one would ever ask a widower if he was still going to play golf or go camping now that his wife died. He loves golf and camping and returning to both activities makes perfect sense. However, as widows we get asked questions like that all the time and not only do people think it is just fine to ask us, they expect us to answer them as if they are serious.
The first time this happens is startling, as I said, and it is not likely you will have a good response in the moment. I know that I did not have any way of dealing with the question the day it was asked. But now, if someone asks me a question that occurs as personal business or outside the scope of our relationship in any way, I just ask them "Why do you ask?" Let them look and see why they are asking, why they need to know, why they expect you to tell them and then ask if they would ask the same question of your husband if he were the one still living. Above all - don't answer the question. No matter how much people want you to believe they are asking out of concern for you the fact is they are mostly just curious and somehow you being a widow removes any filter from their speaking. They now think they can just ask anything they want to.
I have lots of curious questions about other people and, much as I would like to know, I would never consider asking them about something that was of no concern to me. This man that wanted to know about my financial well-being is not someone I owed money to or someone I would expect to help cover my expenses if I were destitute. My finances were simply none of his business. When I confronted him about it he realized that and apologized for anything I was left with and for doing what he did as inconsistent with the nature of our relationship. That was great - and unusual. Most of the time when I challenge people about asking inappropriate questions they just want to explain how caring and considerate they think they were being by asking. They don't really have any interest in how I feel or what I am left with.
One things for sure, in the world of widow we have to do a lot more tending to other people's issues than they do tending to ours. For them the matter is over as soon as you answer the question or maybe even when they ask it. After all, they tell themselves, at least I cared enough to ask. The problem is that for us, the inappropriate, impertinent question is just beginning.
If you are reading this blog and you are not a widow you might wonder how to determine whether your question is one of genuine concern or given simply by the world of widow and the license people think they can take in that world. It is easy to find out BEFORE YOU ASK THE QUESTION. Just ask yourself whether you would be asking the question if the person left alive were a man. If the answer is "NO!" don't ask it!
Have a great week. Thanks for taking this journey with me.
Somehow when people know for find out you are a widow they think they have license to pry into your personal life and your personal business about matters that do not concern them at all. Their questions are sometimes impertinent and almost always based on some misplaced, yet unexplained, professed concern for you and your well being. These questions, which are about personally sensitive matters, are asked as if the questioner has a right to ask and you have a responsibility to answer. They somehow think that asking you questions like this convey their genuine interest in you and your life and they are not only convinced that you should hear the question as coming from that concern but they genuinely believe that the question is appropriate.
The truth is that they are completely mystified and sometimes offended if you are caught off guard by the question and they can't understand if you have a negative reaction or just don't seem to understand that they are only asking because they care. One of the things that has become exceedingly clear to me is that, as with many aspects of this cultural phenomenon, this piece is about the person doing the asking. There is no real thought given to the widow and how the question might occur to her - or whether this is a question that should even be asked.
One of the most starling examples for me was something that occurred in a meeting with a group of people I have worked with for several years. One of the things I love about my work with this group is that there is NO gender bias in the roles people are assigned or accountable for doing. The jobs, tasks, and accountabilities are assigned based on gifts, talents, strengths, weaknesses, and other criteria that have nothing to do with gender, race, creed or other similar factors. For over 17 years I have participated in some like of leadership role in this enterprise and this lack of bias based on anything other than abilities, capabilities, and results is one reason I continue to participate.
In this meeting we were planning a schedule for a series of events during a three month period and I was asked if I could take on a project that would require me to drive round-trip over 500 miles each week for ten weeks. (10 hours drive round trip) I responded that I could not make that commitment due to my work schedule. One of the men in the room. a man I had worked with for about 5 years and from whom I had never witnessed or experienced any discriminatory attitude or comment turned and asked the following: "Did Ned leave you financially okay? Do you even still have to work?"
Now I know that there are lots of way to answer that questions and lots of ways to analyze why he asked. But for me the biggest problem was that he asked it at all. The question was inappropriate, disconcerting, and annoying and caught me completely off guard. In the moment I had no idea what to do or say so I just changed the subject and pretended not to hear him. After the meeting I realized that the question and the way I responded left me with two things, I felt diminished in his asking and there was now distance between this colleague that I respected and me that would affect our working relationship.
It was unacceptable for me to leave the situation in that condition, so I called him to get it complete. You see, for me to feel better about me and to regain my trust and respect for him, there was only one thing to do and that was to invite him to consider why he thought it was okay to ask me that. On the call I shared with him how I was left in the conversation. I told him that the question was demeaning and diminishing to both of us. Then I asked him two questions. My first question was "If it were me that died and Ned was the one you were talking too would you have asked him that questions?" His answer was "No." and in that moment he saw something about himself that he never saw before. He saw a hidden gender bias and a world of assumptions that he was operating from without any thought at all and it was surprising to him.
The second question was "Why did you ask me?" He had to look beyond his first response. He wanted to believe it was simply a concern for my well-being because he cared about whether I was taken care of. However, when he looked further he could not avoid seeing that his assumption was gender based. It is odd because I am the one with all the degrees who owns a consulting company and has written 4 books. Ned was a great architect but he retired at about 55 and played with trains and did yard work for the next 13 years. The man who asked the question knew all this information but he still had the question and he still thought it was not only okay to ask but that it was appropriate. He also saw that he had a concern for leaving his wife financially settled if something happened to him. She was a stay at home mother raising their special needs child. When he looked he could see that the question had nothing to do with me at all and that, but for the previously hidden bias, he would never ask someone a question like that without a good, valid reason.
Questions like this are asked all the time. They may not be as pointed or blatantly personal as this one was but they are still inappropriate and given by a historical cultural conversation that is grounded in our history of relating to women and property of men to be taken care of by the male of the species. If these questions are still there in a group such as the one I described above, imagine how many times something just as inappropriate and impertinent gets asked in over environments. Questions like those that inquire into things like whether you will be participating in activities you love after your husband dies, or whether you are still going to do something the two of you always did together. No one would ever ask a widower if he was still going to play golf or go camping now that his wife died. He loves golf and camping and returning to both activities makes perfect sense. However, as widows we get asked questions like that all the time and not only do people think it is just fine to ask us, they expect us to answer them as if they are serious.
The first time this happens is startling, as I said, and it is not likely you will have a good response in the moment. I know that I did not have any way of dealing with the question the day it was asked. But now, if someone asks me a question that occurs as personal business or outside the scope of our relationship in any way, I just ask them "Why do you ask?" Let them look and see why they are asking, why they need to know, why they expect you to tell them and then ask if they would ask the same question of your husband if he were the one still living. Above all - don't answer the question. No matter how much people want you to believe they are asking out of concern for you the fact is they are mostly just curious and somehow you being a widow removes any filter from their speaking. They now think they can just ask anything they want to.
I have lots of curious questions about other people and, much as I would like to know, I would never consider asking them about something that was of no concern to me. This man that wanted to know about my financial well-being is not someone I owed money to or someone I would expect to help cover my expenses if I were destitute. My finances were simply none of his business. When I confronted him about it he realized that and apologized for anything I was left with and for doing what he did as inconsistent with the nature of our relationship. That was great - and unusual. Most of the time when I challenge people about asking inappropriate questions they just want to explain how caring and considerate they think they were being by asking. They don't really have any interest in how I feel or what I am left with.
One things for sure, in the world of widow we have to do a lot more tending to other people's issues than they do tending to ours. For them the matter is over as soon as you answer the question or maybe even when they ask it. After all, they tell themselves, at least I cared enough to ask. The problem is that for us, the inappropriate, impertinent question is just beginning.
If you are reading this blog and you are not a widow you might wonder how to determine whether your question is one of genuine concern or given simply by the world of widow and the license people think they can take in that world. It is easy to find out BEFORE YOU ASK THE QUESTION. Just ask yourself whether you would be asking the question if the person left alive were a man. If the answer is "NO!" don't ask it!
Have a great week. Thanks for taking this journey with me.
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