TAKE YOUR CUES FROM THE WIDOW
It becomes clear very quickly that the people in your life are anxious to let you know they care that you have suffered a great loss. One of the expressions of that, the phrase "So sorry for your loss" will be the subject of a later entry in this blog but today I want to talk about the difference between what she wants and needs and what you think you should do - or even what you want and need.
It has been over six and a half years since my husband died. Of course there are still moments of profound loss and I still get hit with "grief bombs" from time to time. However, after this time, the loss is not so acute and every reference to him is not also a time to revisit the loss. The problem is that no matter how I reference the loss of my husband it ends up being an interruption to the conversation so that the other person can let me know that they are sorry for my loss or that they are sure that is difficult for me. That might be appropriate if I am talking about the loss or some part of dealing with his loss that I am struggling with at the time of the conversation but merely mentioning his death does not have to bring the loss to the forefront of the conversation. In fact, doing so can disrupt things in the moment and it is often hard to reset to continue what you were talking about originally.
Let me give you an example. About three years ago I decided to sell the big house, I was recently talking with someone about my grandson's discovery of where memories are located. We were talking about the conversation I had with him that gave him an opportunity to discover that his memories were not in the house, they were with him and wherever he went, his memories went with him. It was fun to watch him come to that realization. However, as I am telling my friend about the story I mentioned that my grandson had been worried about me selling the house after Ned died. The moment I made any reference to Ned's death - even though it was just a time reference - the person stopped the conversation and said "I am so sorry for your loss." Frankly I was confused by the statement and it took a moment for me to get on track with her comment. You see I was not talking about Ned's death. I was talking about how a 6 year old discovers memories as memories. The comment from the other person was out of place and disrupted the train of the conversation.
Now, I know that the person I was talking to was just wanting to make sure that I knew she cared that I suffered a loss. This kind of comment at the mere mention of the death of a loved one is almost as automatic as the response to that question "How are you?" with an automatic "Fine!" When someone mentions a death, you say you are sorry for their loss. You don't think about the context of the comment or the nature of the conversation. You just know that you are supposed to let people know you care that they are dealing with loss. The problem is that when you stop the flow of the conversation to interject your sympathetic comments, you have now brought the sadness to the forefront again for us The result is that you feel good that you acknowledged our loss - and we are now reminded of that loss in a way that may be painful and prolonged. There is a better way!
My advice is to take your cues from the person who is dealing with the loss. Listen to the conversation and notice whether the reference is one of loss and sadness or merely a comment pointing to a particular moment in time or event the explanation of a gap in time and activities. Reach out in sympathy and empathy when the loss is present and the person is in need of comforting. Let it go when the reference to the death is just part of a conversation such as "Well, my husband died 6 years so go and I am just now getting around to clearing out the garage." This is a conversation about clearing out the garage, not the death of my husband.
We could do better in all our communications if we just listened to what is being said and what context is giving the speaking. Listen for what is being communication in addition to the words and respond to the person speaking - not the automatic voice response that is popping up in our own heads.
You know there is a saying that "The biggest illusion in communication is that is had been accomplished." Listening to the words and the feelings being expressed in a conversation will go a long way toward making sure that our communication is accomplished.
It has been over six and a half years since my husband died. Of course there are still moments of profound loss and I still get hit with "grief bombs" from time to time. However, after this time, the loss is not so acute and every reference to him is not also a time to revisit the loss. The problem is that no matter how I reference the loss of my husband it ends up being an interruption to the conversation so that the other person can let me know that they are sorry for my loss or that they are sure that is difficult for me. That might be appropriate if I am talking about the loss or some part of dealing with his loss that I am struggling with at the time of the conversation but merely mentioning his death does not have to bring the loss to the forefront of the conversation. In fact, doing so can disrupt things in the moment and it is often hard to reset to continue what you were talking about originally.
Let me give you an example. About three years ago I decided to sell the big house, I was recently talking with someone about my grandson's discovery of where memories are located. We were talking about the conversation I had with him that gave him an opportunity to discover that his memories were not in the house, they were with him and wherever he went, his memories went with him. It was fun to watch him come to that realization. However, as I am telling my friend about the story I mentioned that my grandson had been worried about me selling the house after Ned died. The moment I made any reference to Ned's death - even though it was just a time reference - the person stopped the conversation and said "I am so sorry for your loss." Frankly I was confused by the statement and it took a moment for me to get on track with her comment. You see I was not talking about Ned's death. I was talking about how a 6 year old discovers memories as memories. The comment from the other person was out of place and disrupted the train of the conversation.
Now, I know that the person I was talking to was just wanting to make sure that I knew she cared that I suffered a loss. This kind of comment at the mere mention of the death of a loved one is almost as automatic as the response to that question "How are you?" with an automatic "Fine!" When someone mentions a death, you say you are sorry for their loss. You don't think about the context of the comment or the nature of the conversation. You just know that you are supposed to let people know you care that they are dealing with loss. The problem is that when you stop the flow of the conversation to interject your sympathetic comments, you have now brought the sadness to the forefront again for us The result is that you feel good that you acknowledged our loss - and we are now reminded of that loss in a way that may be painful and prolonged. There is a better way!
My advice is to take your cues from the person who is dealing with the loss. Listen to the conversation and notice whether the reference is one of loss and sadness or merely a comment pointing to a particular moment in time or event the explanation of a gap in time and activities. Reach out in sympathy and empathy when the loss is present and the person is in need of comforting. Let it go when the reference to the death is just part of a conversation such as "Well, my husband died 6 years so go and I am just now getting around to clearing out the garage." This is a conversation about clearing out the garage, not the death of my husband.
We could do better in all our communications if we just listened to what is being said and what context is giving the speaking. Listen for what is being communication in addition to the words and respond to the person speaking - not the automatic voice response that is popping up in our own heads.
You know there is a saying that "The biggest illusion in communication is that is had been accomplished." Listening to the words and the feelings being expressed in a conversation will go a long way toward making sure that our communication is accomplished.
Another excellent, insightful post.
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