THE FIRST YEAR -----AND BEYOND
Getting through the first year after a spouse's death is both challenging beyond measure and strangely comforting. There seems to be no end to the number of "firsts" you are experiencing in this new world called "widowhood". From seemingly simple things like grocery shopping for one to birthdays, a wedding anniversary, holidays, etc. Each of these is a unique and new experience in year one that presents its own particular challenges.
The really comforting thing about this first year is that virtually everyone who knows you is aware of the challenges you are facing and they actually do ask how you want to handle things - most of the time. They often step in to make sure you have the support you need in the moment. They find ways to be there when you least expect it to provide support you did not know you would need.
One thing is that now you are on your own in a different way. Because of my husband's health issues I had been doing some things alone for over four years. I discovered that there was a difference between going somewhere by myself and coming home to him - and just coming and going alone.
One of the first of these first that I remember was a scheduled colonoscopy. It was my very first one ever and I will never forget my friend Nancy calling me and offering to take me, stay with me, and bring me home. Although it was not unusual in my experience since Ned's stroke, for people to help when asked, it was really comforting to be offered the support before I could ask or even knew I needed it.
Throughout the first year my friends and family gave me lots of room to do what I needed to do to deal with these "firsts." My friend Leslie took me to brunch at one of our favorite places on Easter Sunday so I could deal with the loss of the shared faith experience of that weekend with my Deacon husband. My oldest drove from Kansas City to attend a Josh Grobin concert that Ned and I had been given tickets for to celebrate our 45 wedding anniversary and my other two joined us the next night at our favorite restaurant to begin a new tradition. Since Ned's death, whenever possible my three adult children and I have dinner together on my wedding anniversary. We take the time to celebrate the day Ned and I created a family. I prefer to celebrate the day of creation together rather than the day of his death. On that day we love one another, plant trees, or do something together to honor memory but celebration is focused on the day of our promise to love each other forever and always.
In my experience there are particularly challenging dates and times. Birthdays and holiday are at the top of that list. The really reassuring thing is the love and support that is there through the first year. The people around you seem to know and understand that these times are difficult and they reach out to comfort and support you.
As I said, the first year is both challenging beyond measure and strangely comforting. We know it will not be easy and we know we have to take it one day at a time. We appreciate and are extremely grateful for the love and support you offer.
However, what no one really prepares us for is Day One of Year Two! On that day I could hardly get out of bed. I awoke in a world of overwhelming foreboding that was debilitating and completely unexpected. On that day I was really confronted by the finality of my situation. Ned was gone and he was not coming back - I knew that already. What I was not ready for was that this was now my new "normal." It was like losing everything all over again. There was no "getting through" things now. There was just living in this new reality from now on.
Not only was there a real finality to my new life situation - a new normal I had not really anticipated in my commitment to get through all those "firsts" but for everyone else was now "back to normal" too. The thing is that their normal did not include a hypersensitivity to what was happening with me - and that was entirely appropriate - it was just the time to get back to the way things were. I, however, was now truly on my own.
For me and for many others I know, year two was harder than year one in lots of ways. It is just the nature of the world called "widow" that you are on your own to discover this new "normal" and begin to adjust to life in that lane. In the years since I have come to appreciate that first year - and the years beyond. Year 2 is the discovery of a new kind of loss and searching for normal. Year 3 brings new experiences as does every year after.
To the widows - just be prepared for the unexpected and know that there are also "firsts" in year two and beyond. To the others in her life - check in from time to time and find out what's happening and what new things she is dealing with. Remember for her this is a new experience every day.
The really comforting thing about this first year is that virtually everyone who knows you is aware of the challenges you are facing and they actually do ask how you want to handle things - most of the time. They often step in to make sure you have the support you need in the moment. They find ways to be there when you least expect it to provide support you did not know you would need.
One thing is that now you are on your own in a different way. Because of my husband's health issues I had been doing some things alone for over four years. I discovered that there was a difference between going somewhere by myself and coming home to him - and just coming and going alone.
One of the first of these first that I remember was a scheduled colonoscopy. It was my very first one ever and I will never forget my friend Nancy calling me and offering to take me, stay with me, and bring me home. Although it was not unusual in my experience since Ned's stroke, for people to help when asked, it was really comforting to be offered the support before I could ask or even knew I needed it.
Throughout the first year my friends and family gave me lots of room to do what I needed to do to deal with these "firsts." My friend Leslie took me to brunch at one of our favorite places on Easter Sunday so I could deal with the loss of the shared faith experience of that weekend with my Deacon husband. My oldest drove from Kansas City to attend a Josh Grobin concert that Ned and I had been given tickets for to celebrate our 45 wedding anniversary and my other two joined us the next night at our favorite restaurant to begin a new tradition. Since Ned's death, whenever possible my three adult children and I have dinner together on my wedding anniversary. We take the time to celebrate the day Ned and I created a family. I prefer to celebrate the day of creation together rather than the day of his death. On that day we love one another, plant trees, or do something together to honor memory but celebration is focused on the day of our promise to love each other forever and always.
In my experience there are particularly challenging dates and times. Birthdays and holiday are at the top of that list. The really reassuring thing is the love and support that is there through the first year. The people around you seem to know and understand that these times are difficult and they reach out to comfort and support you.
As I said, the first year is both challenging beyond measure and strangely comforting. We know it will not be easy and we know we have to take it one day at a time. We appreciate and are extremely grateful for the love and support you offer.
However, what no one really prepares us for is Day One of Year Two! On that day I could hardly get out of bed. I awoke in a world of overwhelming foreboding that was debilitating and completely unexpected. On that day I was really confronted by the finality of my situation. Ned was gone and he was not coming back - I knew that already. What I was not ready for was that this was now my new "normal." It was like losing everything all over again. There was no "getting through" things now. There was just living in this new reality from now on.
Not only was there a real finality to my new life situation - a new normal I had not really anticipated in my commitment to get through all those "firsts" but for everyone else was now "back to normal" too. The thing is that their normal did not include a hypersensitivity to what was happening with me - and that was entirely appropriate - it was just the time to get back to the way things were. I, however, was now truly on my own.
For me and for many others I know, year two was harder than year one in lots of ways. It is just the nature of the world called "widow" that you are on your own to discover this new "normal" and begin to adjust to life in that lane. In the years since I have come to appreciate that first year - and the years beyond. Year 2 is the discovery of a new kind of loss and searching for normal. Year 3 brings new experiences as does every year after.
To the widows - just be prepared for the unexpected and know that there are also "firsts" in year two and beyond. To the others in her life - check in from time to time and find out what's happening and what new things she is dealing with. Remember for her this is a new experience every day.
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