AND NOW COMES THE HOLIDAY SEASON


Wow! No matter how “prepared” one is for the holiday season after the death of a husband, it is not ever easy. I love Christmas. I love the decorations, the music, the dorky sweaters, the holiday spirit and all the other aspects of the season. Ned loved it too and he had a new experience after the movie “The Santa Claus”. You see, he looked almost exactly like Tim Allen in that movie (after Tim gained the weight and his hair and beard turned white). Ned even wore those ridiculous Christmas sweaters and had a big beard during the winter.



He looked so much like the Santa in that movie that when we went to see it in the theater and the lights came up at the end of the movie the children sitting around us gasped when he stood up. He played along and winked and smiled at all of them. I heard them saying “It’s him! It’s him!” to their parents as the movie theater owner came up and asked if he could just hang around the theater during this run. The following Sunday at Mass he was preaching and as he walked to the Ambo a small child’s voice could be heard from the back rows saying “See Mom I told you Santa Claus went to our Church.”



Ned loved this season and loved being Santa Claus to children and adults. He loved decorating. He loved shopping on his own and buying weird gifts for everyone. He love creating light displays outside and putting up a huge, real tree in the living room in front of a window.



For us the week between Christmas and New Year’s was a very special time. We made sure that we had that time together to be with each other. We took day trips together. We read books and cooked fun things and watched movies and played games. It was a very special time for us as a couple.



Then he died and I had no idea what to do with myself. Decorating did not have the same interest for me. I still loved the music and the singing but now I volunteered to cover masses for those with families at home on the off years when my kids were with their in-law families.



The week after Christmas became a dreaded time. It is truly the hardest week of the year for me to be a “widow” because it was a most special time for us as a couple. The first year I was truly depressed. Having lived with someone who was ongoingly dealing with clinical depression I knew the signs and I had them all. I could not get out of bed without having to. I sat on the sofa and watched old movies and reruns of TV shows. I did not eat. I did not call anyone and I desperately wanted to drink – but I had no alcohol and getting some meant getting dressed and leaving the house so I did without.



On New Year’s Day I went to Mass to begin the New Year and prayed for a way out of the mire I felt stuck in and a few days later I started to see the sunlight again and get out in life. One thing I learned during that time was to prepare for it in years to come. I am vulnerable at Christmas time to melancholy and depression. If I want to have joy and peace and love during that time I have to make it happen. Now I plan things for that week before New Year’s. I either leave my house to go somewhere else or I plan projects and activities with others so that I am not alone at home any day that week.  I took on a new practice of choosing someone off the Angel Tree and spending on them what I would have spent on Ned. So, the person I chose usually gets everything on his or her list. I also chose an older child or young adult as everyone wants the kids. These are new traditions I have created for this new time in my life.



This year I decorated more than I have since Ned died. I had the Tulsa kids and grandkids come over to put up my tree – and it is very unique and special indeed. I am singing with the Church choir and actually asked for what I wanted for the Christmas music so I will be singing “O Holy Night” at Christmas Eve services. I have been to two parties and invited someone to go with me to one of them. I am headed to another party and Saturday and hosting my annual Women’s Christmas Luncheon next Thursday. We are planning a big day on Christmas Day and I will be creating lots of activities for the week after.



Holidays are not the same. They will never be the same again but that does not mean they will not be good or that there is nothing to celebrate or enjoy. What it does mean is that I will miss him more in the next two weeks than I do at any other time of the year and I will remember many joy filled moments from 45 years of magical Christmases with my husband.



Do what works for you. Celebrate or don’t. Skip it or create new traditions. Recreate Christmas past or reinvent a new celebration. The most important thing for you is to be honest about what you need. You don’t have to be or do anything for anyone else or to make them happy or to have them feel okay. You need to do whatever it takes to take care of you.



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my Christian friends and Happy Holidays to everyone!

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