LIVING SINGLE AGAIN

If, like me, you were married a considerable length of time, you get up every day and you are a "married lady." It’s not something you think about. It’s more something you know yourself as and it colors your life and living. Then one day your husband dies and that is not the case anymore.

The thing is you still feel married. You still see life through that filter. You don’t really know any other way to be or live and yet here you are – single again at your age- whatever that is – and in a new era.

Living single again after the death of a husband is, in my opinion, a real minefield and one that I did not expect and had/have no idea how to navigate. Once again the world outside has a boat load of expectations about how you should be and what you should do and not do and you are completely clueless.

Let’s begin with the fact you are now really traveling through life alone. My husband, terrific as he was, was a “hermit” at heart. He was not a social animal and preferred to be working on a project in the garage by himself to being with other people. So throughout our marriage he went to events if he felt like he had to and begged off more times than I can count. As a result, I was not unaccustomed to going places alone or being alone at events from time to time. After his stroke that was the case most of the time. He was much more comfortable in the familiar surroundings of our home where he could care for himself and manage his daily activities. Therefore, “going places alone” was the norm for me for a lot of the 45 years we were married. However, “going places alone” and “being single” are not the same thing any more than being “alone” and being “lonely” are the same.

Next there is that world of expectations. There are several different worlds of expectation about how a widow should deal with being single. There is a large group that expects you to live alone and, for the rest of your life, pay tribute to the life you lived with your husband. Living alone is fine – if that is your choice as it is mine – but living alone is different from living single and living that life as a tribute to your husband is another thing altogether. There is another group that thinks that “after an appropriate length of time” you should meet some new people and start dating again and explore that possibility. There is a third group that assumes you will find a new man and settle into the next phase of your life. In all of these groups there are also people who stop including you in activities until and unless there is a new man in your life. As a single person you don't fit in their couples world anymore. 

After that there are the expectations you have for yourself – or the very real fact that you have no expectations at all in this area. For a widow the single world is a different place. When you are married you never think about it. When your husband dies you know that the marriage was “until death do you part” but the experience of being married, the feeling of being part of a couple, does not just vanish in a moment. There is the fact that you loved being married – but what you really loved was being married to him. There is the fact that no one will ever be him again and whatever the future holds there will not be another relationship like that one. Whatever you were together is no more and won’t be recreated even if you marry again someday. For some that is enough to assure that they live single the rest of their life.

These differing views about widows being single are unique to widows. My friends who are divorced say they a have a different experience. Their friends encourage them to get out there and meet new people as soon as possible. They get invited to go for “Girl’s night out” and they get introduced to new people all the time. They are not expected to mourn the lost relationship in the same way that a widow is.  They suffered a loss but not the same kind as the widow and so the expectations are different. My friends who are widowers have a different experience. For some of them they find themselves with more opportunities than they can imagine. It seems everyone - including the widower -thinks they should be married again and as soon as possible. 

Being single at age 68 was a revelation to me. I had not had a date in over 50 years with anyone but the man I was married to for 45 years. I was mystified by all the comments and questions I got about “moving forward.” There were those who assumed that I was now single forever and those who thought I should get on a dating site after six months. There were those who assumed I would be having a relationship with another man like the friend who asked me one day “How do you plan to explain it to your children when they find out a man spent the night with you?”  There are those who are excited when you decided to meet a man to get to know him and those who respect you when you go on a date and quickly realize that no matter how nice he is, you don’t want to be doing this.

The important thing to remember is that you have to do what works for you. I tried a dating site for seniors and met a couple of nice men that I enjoyed talking to once. I even met with a professional matchmaker for an interview and that’s when I realized that I have no interest in that pathway and I am good with that decision. I have a couple of new male friends that I can do things with and talk to and enjoy their friendship without any other expectations and that works great for me and for them. The great thing is that they too realize that there are things they can do and places they can go alone that are not available to me and they find ways to include me without expecting anything else.

I still don’t know a lot about how to be single but I am learning more every day about how to navigate the minefield that is living single at 73. I am doing just fine and the whole thing seems like an adventure. At age 73, new adventures are welcome. Enjoy yours and take the steps that are most comfortable for you. You were married. You are single. You do not have to do anything about that. It is fine!