THE FRIENDS WHO STAYED AND THOSE WHO WENT AWAY

Many years ago a very special friend of mine in Enid shared with me something of what it was like when her prominent physician husband died suddenly of a heart attack when he was alone flying his plane. This woman was one of the pillars of that community and a force to be reckoned with helping those in need. She was also creative and eccentric. She wore teal and pink and had mink earrings. Her hair was white as snow and built every day by a hairdresser on the wig form that it (her hair) spent each night warming. She wore high heels all the time and was a master at pasting on the layers of make-up that created her public image every day before she left home. She was also gracious, loving, caring and generous to a fault. She never missed the opportunity to thank someone for a contribution or to notice a good deed and acknowledge the care or concern it represented.

She and I became very close friends working on a project to build a new youth shelter in Enid and that friendship kept growing until the day she died and I was honored to go back to Enid and sing her funeral service. She was a treasured friend to me and the needlepoint she made me as a going away gift still hangs on my bedroom wall today.

She talked with me about what it was like to have your life torn apart by the death of a beloved spouse. His death was so unexpected and horrifying. It was a shock for her and their adult children that was hard to get past – but she was one of the strongest women I ever met and she picked up her life and moved on in service of others.

The one thing she spoke about as one of the hardest for her to deal with is something most of us (widows) have had to confront – friends who disappeared after the funeral.

She spoke about a group of friends and acquaintances that showed up at the time of his death to offer their sincere sympathy for her loss. She came to refer to them as the Casserole Brigade. She said they came bearing food and later came back to get their empty dishes and that was the last time she saw them.

She said there was another group of single women and widows that welcomed her into their group and of course, there were those who enlisted her support for one cause or another and worked with her to produce extraordinary results over and over and over again. The only group there wasn’t any more was the group of “their friends.” The couples they traveled with and shared with and played with for many years disappeared in short order after her husband’s death. It was a shock to her because the widowers in the group were still welcomed as part of the plans. It was just her – and other widows in later years – that were no longer included.

When I look at my life today I see much the same thing. Other than my children and their spouses, there are only two couples that were part of my life before he died that are still connected to me in any way. Other friends have disappeared without a word. People I thought would be my friends forever have not been heard from since shortly after Ned was buried.

For widows this phenomenon is a “puzzlement,” as they say. We did not change. We are still the person we were before. We just no longer have a husband sharing our life on earth. It is amazing to me how many widows I talk to that point to this situation as one of the most puzzling and challenging they face. Losing a husband is tragic and really challenging to get past – and then we lose many of our friends on top of it.

Some say it is fear that has people leave us. They are afraid of including us in their group anymore. We just don’t fit and they don’t want to be reminded that what happened to us could happen to them. They could be facing reinventing themselves without their husband and they just don’t want to be reminded. If that were the real answer, however, they would exclude the widowers too.

Some say they just don’t know what to do with a single woman at their gatherings. After all a single woman might be attractive to the men at the gathering.

The thing is we have no idea why this too is happening. We did not die – he did. We did not give up on them – they gave up on us. We are puzzled and often confused by this particular phenomenon.

There is nothing widows can do to change this situation. However, we need to remember it is not about us. We are just reinventing life and figuring out how to be family without the person we created family with. No matter how difficult it is for us to deal with this loss, it is important to remember that this pulling away from us is about them and their inability to deal with something in their life. We did nothing wrong. They just don’t know how to be with us anymore and that’s very sad.

Friends who hang in there after a husband dies become the bedrock of our lives. Be grateful for them. Thank them for sharing their life with you and allowing you to share yours with them. Let those who walked away after the death go. Let them deal with their issues. It’s not your problem no matter how hard it might be at times. You can survive this. You have survived worse.