FINDING WHAT'S MISSING

In the first weeks and months after my husband’s death it seemed like nothing was the same and nothing would ever be the same again. As it turns out, that really is true. Not everything is bad but nothing is the same. Even my work is different without him to share the victories and the challenges. However, since about the middle of the second year I was aware that there was a hole in my life that I could not fill.

It was difficult to put my finger on what was missing because there was nothing wrong and yet there was just something that was not right. Obviously Ned was gone and life was different. Many, many things had changed already and I managed to get through all the “firsts” that were part of the first year as a widow. This was something different from just missing him. Of course I missed him every day – and I still do – but there was just something else that I could not identify that kind of put a damper on life every day. It wasn’t sad. It wasn’t melancholy. It wasn’t grief. In fact for a long time all I had was a list of what it “wasn’t” and no idea what it was.

After a couple of years I thought maybe the thing that was missing was being around a man my age. I am the oldest of 6 children and the other five are brothers so my mom and I were raised in a house full of men. In addition I have worked with men all my life and for 45 years shared every day with my man. Maybe I was just missing that relationship with men.

To test my theory I did two different things. First, I put a profile on a dating site for people over 55 and set up a few “coffee dates” to meet and greet men my age to talk and get acquainted. Of the six men I had coffee with only one was of real interest and we had two or three dates at different coffee houses to talk and just appreciate the company. However, he was raising an 11 year old granddaughter as his own child and I was not really interested in traveling that road again so “friends” is what we were and what we remain.

The others were definitely not the right person. One only wanted to talk about himself and the thing he was most proud of was that he bought a new car and after a year it only had 500 miles on it. When I saw a break in the dialog about himself and started to share sometime about my life he suddenly had to leave.

Another one told me right up front he was interested in finding a “friend with benefits.” When I told him I was up for the “friend” part but not the benefits, he thanked me, drank his coffee and left.

The one that was most interesting was the man who seemed to be very interested in me and my life until I answered his question about my career. I am a recognized expert in child sexual abuse prevention. I teach adults how to recognize potential sexual predators in the environment and how to intervene and interrupt their grooming process so children are safe. When I said that, he turned to the side and never looked at me again. He started to squirm and suddenly had another appointment. I made him nervous and all my red flags were flying during the conversation.

The dating site experience was not it. Even the one real date I had with a very nice guy was the most uncomfortable situation I had experienced in years. The whole time I was wishing I had my own car and could go home.

Dating was clearly not what was missing so I tried something else. I went to a Kiwanis meeting. It was fun and I got to spend an hour talking with 5 old men who were interesting and fun to talk to and there was no hint of anything other than conversation. It was fine but not what was missing. What I realized was that a "man" to talk to was not what was missing. 

For the last four years I have wondered what it was that I could not see or find. Nothing seemed to fill the gap and the gap did not go away on its own. Then something unusual led me to an answer.

For 16 years while our children were growing up we lived in another part of the state. We left that area for economic reasons although our friends and the life we built without children was there. On a trip this summer to visit and old friend who has just moved back to that town I was struck by the fact that driving into town felt like coming home. After a few days, a lot of prayer, and careful consideration I realized that what was missing was “home.” As long as Ned was alive, “home” was wherever he was. Once he died that was missing for me. The kind of relationships I developed when the kids were growing up never were duplicated where I now live. So, I finally found what’s missing and I am moving back to that place to call "home" again. 

I have been back a couple of times since then and talked with my children. The people I shared much of my life with are there and those relationships that I am missing where I now live are all right there and they can hardly wait for me to come back.

If something seems to be missing for you, trust your instincts. Listen to that inner voice and look for your answer. Mine was “home” but yours could be anything. Look until you find it and trust yourself when you do. There are people in my life who are skeptical about this decision but most of the people close to me see that this is the right choice for me.

Find what’s missing and put it in. Living your life is what matters most. Don't be talked out of what you need because others are not aligned. Just enroll them in supporting you and what you need for the life you want to life.