"SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS"

This is a difficult post to write as it is a situation that is hard for some to understand. As I have talked to a couple of people about this issue the response has been surprising. People are sometimes put off by what I have to say about this issue and others are confused that it is an issue. They are offended that I think this is a problem. Please know that my intention here is not to offend any person who has a genuine concern for others. It is to point out how an automatic “Sorry for your loss” comment can have the opposite effect than is intended.  

The week after my husband died my son said to me that if one more person said they were “Sorry for your loss” he would scream. Recently at a party a widow friend heard me talking to another guest about this issue and said that when people say this to her she just wants to turn and walk away. If you are someone who makes a habit of expressing your sorrow to someone in this way, this may sound a little strange to you but there are many, many people out here dealing with the loss of a loved one that would be glad to never hear that phrase again – at least in the way it is usually said.

A good deal of the time, it becomes like an automatic response that truly means nothing. It occurs much like the response “Fine” to the question “How are you?” as thoughtless and automatic. It does not seem to really represent how someone is feeling in the moment.

A lot of well-meaning people think they are using that phrase to convey their genuine concern for the loss you are experiencing. The problem is that the same words are used so often that they lose their meaning for the listener. It begins to sound like a rote answer that has no real meaning and is only being uttered to make sure you know they heard that you lost someone close to you.

It would be great if people started to really consider what’s appropriate to say in the moment rather than blurting out “Sorry for your loss” every time they hear a person speak about a loss. To the person who is experiencing the loss, it occurs as if the moment a loss is mentioned an automatic button is pushed and out of the mouth comes some version of “Sorry for your loss” even if it seems out of place. For example, recently I was talking with someone about watching my youngest grandchild learn about memories and where they are. He was having a hard time with the fact that I was finally going to sell the house a couple of years after his Papaw’s death. He came over to talk to me about it after a family dinner and to tell me, at age 5, that he was worried that if I sold the house he would lose his memories of his Grandpa. For him, the memories were in the house. I was sharing with this person how he discovered, during our conversation, that his memories went with him wherever he went and that me moving out of the house would not take away these memories he cherished. In the middle of the conversation, when I mentioned the fact that Ned died as the catalyst for the conversation, the person I was talking to stopped the conversation and said “I am so sorry for your loss.”

The comment was disorienting and disruptive. The conversation was about a young child discovering where memories are. It was not about my experience of losing Ned. The mention of his loss was only a time reference. The story had very little to do with Ned’s death other than that it gave Eli an access to this new discovery.

It would not be an issue if this was an unusual happening but it is not. People hear a reference to the loss of a loved one in any conversation and they stop the flow and interject this little phrase. It’s almost as if they are programmed to say “Sorry for you loss” every time there is any reference to a personal loss of a loved one.

Even if your mother taught you that this is a compassionate, empathetic way to respond to loss, take it from me that it usually does not occur that way for the person dealing with the loss. An automatic response does not communicate what it was originally intended to communicate. It just tells us that you were listening to what we said enough to catch that we were dealing with the loss of a loved one but not really participating in the conversation.

If we are not focused on the loss, we don’t need to be reminded of it. Listen for what is wanted and needed in the moment and address that – your mother will be fine with it, trust me.

A more appropriate comment for the lady I was talking with about Eli might have been “Wow, who knew that a loss of that kind could teach that special lesson.” “Sorry for your loss” simply interrupted the conversation and refocused my attention on the loss of my husband. I was sharing something moving and special about an experience with my delightful, smart grandson and all of a sudden I was thrust into a different world and experience. It was disruptive and the joy of sharing about this unique moment with this very special little boy was lost.

Earlier I wrote a post about taking your cues from the widow. This phrase needs to be retired until and unless it is the most appropriate thing to say in a given moment. Once again I remind you to take your cues from the person who is dealing with the loss. If that is what is present and being expressed, sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate responses are appropriate. If the mention of the loss is incidental to the subject of the conversation, let it be what it is. Don’t feel compelled to comment on it.