BEING INVISIBLE


This week I had lunch with a friend of mine who has dealt with being a widow twice in her life. Although she is not someone who dwells in the negative, she also does not sugar coat anything and has no problem being really straight about what’s happened or what she is dealing with. One of the things she said at lunch reminded me of another aspect of this experience of being a widow that I have just become accustomed to. In response to something I said about only being seen as a widow, she said, “They probably don’t even see you at all. When my husband died I became invisible to a lot of people.”



That is part of the journey that I have not paid much attention to. I am pretty good at making my presence known when I need to but when I looked at my life for the past 7 years, I realized she is right. For a lot of people I am invisible. When I talk with other women who are divorced or single by choice they admit they have a similar experience. The world is designed for couples and not being part of one often leaves you with the experience of being invisible. One example that happens more than you can imagine is that restaurant hostesses look past me to the people behind me because they either don’t see me standing there or are sure I must be waiting for someone. There are any number of times and places that what shows up is a woman alone is invisible. Sometimes, if they are busy, restaurant hostesses don’t want to give one person a whole table so they pretend they don’t see you or that others came in ahead of you.



Have you ever walked through the door of some place with a group of people you don’t know and had the people inside assume you were with them? You couldn’t be a woman alone, could you? Have you ever picked the wrong place for a vacation and found out that there does not seem to be anyone in the entire place that is not part of a couple? Have you ever had someone taking tickets or seating people at an event look past you to take the people behind you? I have and so have a great many other widows (and, I am guessing, other single women).



When I walk in a restaurant the hostess assumes I am waiting for someone. I get that but it does not change that saying that over and over in response to “How many tonight?” is a constant reminder that I am now alone most of the time. To deal with this I have started beating them to the punch. When the host/hostess looks at me I say “Just me tonight” or “Table for one please.” This leave me in control and eliminates that inevitable look of “Oh, poor you” that some just can’t hide. I also know that my acquaintances who are widowers do not have the same experience and those that are single women deal with the same thing as me.



Living as a widow is not an option for me. It is my new way of life- and I am fine with that. I have no desire to change that status so it would be great if the world stopped relating to me and other single women as if we are alone by accident to default.


I am not invisible and neither is that woman over there by herself or the one shopping alone at the grocery store or the one who just came in the theatre by herself. We are women who live, work, and play in life and we happen to be single. Notice us but don’t feel sorry for us. Most of us have options – we just say “No!  We are just fine.”

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