HE IS STILL WITH YOU!

Some of us “widowomen” have talked recently about this cultural conversation about our husband’s still being with us. There is no doubt for any of us that the spiritual or soulful connection to our husbands is still there. Heck, we still talk to him a lot. What we are clear about is that this continuing connection we are experiencing is not the same as what others seem to be talking about when they say things like “He is still by your side.”



Actually, no, he is not still here. He is gone. He did not “transition” or “pass” or “go on ahead.” He died and he is not coming back. I am never going to feel his arms around me again in this life. He is not going to carry on a conversation with me or help with the driving to Kansas to see the grandkids. He is not going to mow the lawn or change the lightbulbs or make jokes that make me laugh so hard I cry. He is not going to balance the checkbook, or go with me to the theater, or kneel beside me in prayer at church. He is not here!



I wonder sometimes if the comments are more about wishful thinking because they are almost always made by someone whose spouse is still living. Maybe it is easier to deal with my loss and the prospect of theirs someday by making it not so bad – not so final – not so certain. I don’t know. What I do know is that my love for him is still with me. My memories of the best of times and the worst of times are still stored in my brain and are available any time day or night that I call on them. The pictures on the wall bring smiles of recollection and warm feelings of love and care. The poster with his favorite sayings reminds me of his wit and wisdom. These things I have and will always have. However, he is not here!



The reality of this was never as present for me as it was a few years ago when I was named one of 50 Making a Difference in Oklahoma and honored as a candidate for Woman of the Year for Oklahoma. As I was preparing to go to Oklahoma City for the event I was excited, humbled, and sad because the three people that recognition would mean the most to – my mother, my father, and my husband – would not be there to sit beside me and see what they had nurtured into being.  Everyone I mentioned this to had the same response. “They will be there with you.” I believe that they were with me in spirit but just so you know it is not the same. In the end, I was there surrounded by my children, one of my grandchildren and two of my brothers and I was still very much there without the three people whose love and support made it possible. I believe they know – and they were not there!



Perhaps it is okay to let me miss him. No one has to remind me of the connection we had that will never go away. Sometimes it seems like these comments about him still being there diminish the loss and disrespect the grief. I know that’s not the purpose but that’s how it feels sometimes. Just let me be with the missing him. It is okay! I do and that’s just what’s so. You don’t have to find a way to soften that or make me feel better. I am fine – and I miss my husband and saying that does not mean anything more than just that. I am fine and I miss my husband.  Thanks for caring. I appreciate it very much.   

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