Widowoman - A Journey Into Widowhood

A few days ago I returned from the trip of a lifetime to the British Isles and Ireland. It was magical and wonderful and although I was on a tour bus with 23 other people and a dear friend traveled with me, I was really traveling alone. It is hard for those who have never been married and those who still are – even if they are by themselves on the trip – to really get “traveling alone.” There were 2 widows on the trip – me and one other woman. The other widow did not seem to have anything good to say about her husband.   In the beginning of the trip it seemed she did not really like him very much. By the time the trip was winding down she had mellowed a bit and shared a few stories with us about good times with him but I was really left with the sense that she was happy to by herself. The places we went and the things we saw were different than any I ever experienced with Ned. He and I took one amazing trip to Italy and Switzerland but that was it. He never made it to I

Today I had a call with another widow who is confronting what society and the culture tell her she should be doing. She is dealing with the challenge that most of us face over and over and over again as we deal with how others relate to us and what they expect of us.  There is no "bouncing back" here. Bouncing back is for recovering from an automobile accident or a battle with a scary disease that took us out temporarily. It is for those times when we lost a job, or a promotion, or perhaps an election. It is for those times when we put our heart and soul into a project or an event and the weather rained it out, or nobody came, or something else undermined the success we worked hard to achieve.  Bouncing back has nothing to do with surviving and thriving after the death of a spouse. It has nothing to do with getting 'back to normal" when widowhood has taken from you the one person that was woven through the fabric of your life. There is no "getting back to no

There are many new things I am seeing about this altered life of mine – life as a “widowoman.”   For one thing, I am discovering that there are some similarities and some real differences between women who are single by choice and women who lived as part of a married couple and are now single by death. All these women are single for sure so there are definitely some things that are the same. For example, single women eat alone a great deal no matter why they are single – and it is no more “fun” if you are single by choice than if you are widowed. Eating alone as a single woman is much the same regardless of your circumstances. It is also great to know that finding each other and sharing that meal is a gift to everyone involved.   In my new/old home, there are also women all around who fit both descriptions and they are teaching me some new things about connecting with others as a single woman when that’s what I need and want. Connecting with others is not a problem for me. I ma

Over the last few months you may have wondered what happened to me. Did my surgery go well or was there a problem? Did something terrible happen to me? The answer to all those questions is “No!” My surgery went very well and I am doing great. I did move back to the town where Ned and I raised our children and reconnected with old friends and got reestablished in a faith community I have missed for years. So I guess something did happen but it was not terrible, it was terrific!!! The most surprising thing about all of this is that I moved back to the town where we lived for about 20 years and raised our children. I moved back to the spiritual home that nurtured my husband into the faith and supported him in choosing the be ordained as a Permanent Deacon in the Catholic Church and provided the foundation of faith education for my children who are all living Christian, faith-filled lives. Maybe that does not sound surprising but, remember, I left here 30 years ago and lived in

IT’S UNIMAGINABLE You know, one of the most authentic things that has been said to me over the last seven years is “I can’t imagine what it must be like.” It’s true. Unless you have been down this path, you can’t imagine. I know because I tried to imagine what it would be like. Ned was the last of a long line of Doty men who died at age 56 so he lived life as if that would be the end for him too. He always told me that he would not be around long and encouraged me to create a life that could go on after he was gone. So, from time to time when he was gone on a trip out of town for a few days I tried to imagine what it would be like to live life without him. No matter what I thought it would be like, this is not that. Of course there are things I could imagine but most I could not. Here I am seven years later still discovering things that he handled with grace and ease that I am bumbling through. It is in these moments that I sometimes tell him how annoying it is that he left w

Some of us “widowomen” have talked recently about this cultural conversation about our husband’s still being with us. There is no doubt for any of us that the spiritual or soulful connection to our husbands is still there. Heck, we still talk to him a lot. What we are clear about is that this continuing connection we are experiencing is not the same as what others seem to be talking about when they say things like “He is still by your side.” Actually, no, he is not still here. He is gone. He did not “transition” or “pass” or “go on ahead.” He died and he is not coming back. I am never going to feel his arms around me again in this life. He is not going to carry on a conversation with me or help with the driving to Kansas to see the grandkids. He is not going to mow the lawn or change the lightbulbs or make jokes that make me laugh so hard I cry. He is not going to balance the checkbook, or go with me to the theater, or kneel beside me in prayer at church. He is not here!