Widowoman - A Journey Into Widowhood

When you lose a spouse there is an acute feeling of loss that is indescribable. Lots of other losses are tragic but none are the same as the loss of a spouse. The grief that comes with that loss is hard to explain and even harder to imagine. In fact, I can say that from experience because for many years Ned and I lived as though he would die at age 56. After all his father and five generations of men before him had all died at age 56 of a condition that Ned was diagnosed with in his mid- twenties. We lived our lives as if we had a specific time period to experience living and loving each other and we lived it without regret or resentment. It was just the way it was. In that picture of the future I often tried to imagine what life would be like for me after he was gone. At the time I was sure I knew how things would go. Now I can tell you that this is nothing like what I thought it would be. Nothing at all. Now, Ned lived to be 68 so we had many more years than first exp...

It becomes clear very quickly that the people in your life are anxious to let you know they care that you have suffered a great loss. One of the expressions of that, the phrase "So sorry for your loss" will be the subject of a later entry in this blog but today I want to talk about the difference between what she wants and needs and what you think you should do - or even what you want and need.  It has been over six and a half years since my husband died. Of course there are still moments of profound loss and I still get hit with "grief bombs" from time to time. However, after this time, the loss is not so acute and every reference to him is not also a time to revisit the loss. The problem is that no matter how I reference the loss of my husband it ends up being an interruption to the conversation so that the other person can let me know that they are sorry for my loss or that they are sure that is difficult for me. That might be appropriate   if I am talking abou...

Getting through  the first year after a spouse's death is both challenging beyond measure and strangely comforting. There seems to be no end to the number of "firsts" you are experiencing in this new world called "widowhood".  From seemingly simple things like grocery shopping for one to birthdays, a wedding anniversary, holidays, etc. Each of these is a unique and new experience in year one that presents its own particular challenges.  The really comforting thing about this first year is that virtually everyone who knows you is aware of the challenges you are facing and they actually do ask how you want to handle things - most of the time. They often step in to make sure you have the support you need in the moment. They find ways to be there when you least expect it to provide support you did not know you would need. One thing is that now you are on your own in a different way. Because of my husband's health issues I had been doing some things alone for...

Somehow I was not prepared for the fact that I would be called upon to reinvent virtually everything in my life. Of course there were some constants but frankly, as it turns out, those things were few and far between. In fact, the only things that remained constant were those things directly connected to my business. This process was sometimes challenging, sometimes fun, and always surprising. Looking back, it seems strange to me that I did not see this coming. After all I was very clear that our lives were inextricably intertwined. Perhaps the surprise was more about the reality that our life before his death was no longer “the reality.” As relates to these issues and situations, widows, widowers, and divorcing couples face similar experiences. When a relationship ends we suddenly are confronted with how much our lives are bound together with the person we are married to and what it takes to disassemble that system or untangle those wires. The unique aspect of this particular ...